The Day Gravity Got Tired

I woke up Tuesday morning and immediately knew something was wrong.

My coffee was floating.

Not dramatically. It wasn’t shooting toward the ceiling or circling the kitchen like some kind of caffeinated moon.

It was just sitting there about three inches above the table.

The cup was still on the table.

The coffee was not.

I stared at it for a few seconds.

Then I said the only reasonable thing:

“Well, that’s probably going to be a problem.”

I reached for the cup.

The cup stayed put.

The coffee moved.

That was when I knew gravity had either called in sick or simply decided it was tired of putting up with us.

The Dog Was Having the Best Day of Her Life

The first real sign that things had gone completely sideways came from the dog.

She jumped onto the couch.

And kept going.

Normally, a dog jumps onto a couch and lands on the couch.

This time, she jumped onto the couch and continued slowly rising toward the ceiling.

She looked down at me as if I had personally arranged the whole thing.

I grabbed her.

She was floating.

Not falling.

Not climbing.

Just floating.

The dog, meanwhile, appeared completely comfortable with her new relationship with physics.

I put her back on the floor.

She immediately floated back up.

At that point, I decided we were both going to stay inside.

Then I Looked Outside

That was a mistake.

The neighborhood looked like somebody had taken Castle Rock and shaken it like a snow globe.

A lawn chair was floating across the street.

A trash can was hovering about six feet above someone’s driveway.

A guy was standing on his roof.

I yelled, “Are you okay?”

He yelled back:

“I have no idea!”

Fair enough.

There wasn’t exactly a troubleshooting manual for this.

Cars were still driving, but very slowly.

Every few seconds, one would become noticeably lighter and bounce several inches off the road.

Nobody seemed particularly interested in stopping.

This was Colorado.

Apparently, even the laws of physics have to wait until after everybody finishes their errands.

The News Wasn’t Helping

I turned on the television.

Every news channel was covering the same thing.

Scientists were standing in laboratories looking deeply uncomfortable.

One scientist explained that gravity appeared to be functioning at approximately 63 percent of normal strength.

Another scientist said they had no idea why.

A third scientist said everyone should remain calm.

That was when I became concerned.

Whenever a scientist tells the public to remain calm, I immediately assume something is on fire.

Then the emergency alert appeared:

PLEASE REMAIN INDOORS.

That seemed reasonable.

Five minutes later, another alert appeared:

PLEASE SECURE LOOSE OBJECTS.

Five minutes after that:

PLEASE SECURE YOURSELF.

Apparently, nobody had thought that one through.

The Hardware Store Became the Most Important Place in Town

By noon, the hardware stores were sold out of rope.

Rope.

People were buying it by the hundreds of feet.

Nobody knew exactly what they were going to do with it.

They just knew rope seemed like the kind of thing you would need when gravity stopped doing its job.

One guy bought a thousand feet of extension cord.

Someone asked him why.

He said:

“I don’t know. It felt right.”

Honestly, that was the most sensible answer anybody had given all day.

Then Gravity Came Back

At approximately 3:17 in the afternoon, my coffee suddenly dropped.

Straight onto the table.

The dog dropped onto the couch.

The lawn chair landed in somebody’s backyard.

The guy on the roof fell onto his roof.

Nobody moved for several seconds.

We were all waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Then everything went completely normal.

Cars stayed on the road.

Dogs stayed on furniture.

Coffee stayed in cups.

Gravity was back.

No explanation.

No press conference.

No apology.

Nothing.

The scientists held another press conference and said they were “continuing to investigate.”

Which is scientific language for:

“We have absolutely no idea what just happened.”

And life went on.

The next morning, I put my coffee on the table.

It stayed there.

I looked at it for a long time anyway.

Because once you’ve seen your coffee float away from you, you never completely trust gravity again.

And honestly?

I think gravity owes us an explanation.